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This article is reprinted from Challenges.

Self- esteem, that precious sense of personal worth,
can provide your child with the innner strength
to survive the hazards of growing up.

THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR CHILD

The following is excepted with permission from the book Hide And Seek by James Dobson, PH.D .

Blake never earns “happy faces” on his math papers or book reports. His classmates tell him that he’s stupid, and he doesn’t argue. He is convinced they are right--that he will fail in anything he does. Blake, nine years old, has already given up on life.

Janet is an overweight fifth grader. She has no friends and is nicknamed Porky. Her peers stutter mockingly when they talk to her, imitating the sounds of the famous cartoon pig. Janet hates the world and herself.

A seven-year-old boy once wrote a letter to Dr. Richard A. Gardner, a psychotherapist:

Dear Doctor Gardner:

What is bothering me is that a boy called me turtle
and I know he said that because of my plastic surgery.
I think god hates me because of my lip.
Love, Chris

These children are victims of the flawed standards our society uses to measure the worth of children. Not everyone is seen as worthy or is accepted. Instead, we reserve praise and admiration for the few who have been blessed from birth with the characteristics we wrongly value most highly--beauty, brains and riches. It is a vicious system and we must counterbalance its impact by helping young people develop self-esteem.

All children are created worthy and are due the right to personal respect and dignity. But how can we, as parents, build strong egos and indomitable spirit in our children, despite the social forces that prevail? There are strategies by which we can instill confidence and self-worth, even in boys and girls who are under siege by their peers.

STRATEGY NO. 1
Examine your own values. Are you secretly disappointed because your child is ordinary? Have you rejected him, at times, because he lacks charm or is awkward? Do you think your child is stupid? A sizable portion of a child’s self-concept emerges from the way he thinks you see him, even reading your unspoken attitudes.

When the child is convinced that he is loved and respected by his parents, he is inclined to accept his own worth as a person. Many children know they are loved by their parents, but do not believe they are held in high esteem by them. You are nervous when he speaks to guests. You butt in to explain what he was trying to say or laugh when his remarks sound foolish.

Parents need to guard what they say in the presence of their children. I am often consulted by parents in regard to a problem about a child. As Mom describes the gritty details, the object of this conversation is standing nearby, listening to a candid description of all his faults. Parents must also take the time to introduce children to good books, to fly kites and play ball with them, listen to the skinned knee episode and talk about the bird with the broken wing. These are the building blocks of self-esteem.

STRATEGY NO. 2
Teach a “no-knock” policy. One characteristic of a person who feels inferior is that he talks about his deficiencies to anyone who will listen. A woman who thinks she’s dumb will admit freely, “I am really bad at math; I can hardly add two and two.” While you are blabbing about your inadequacies, the listener is formulating an impression of you. He will later treat you according to the evidence you’ve provided. If you put your feelings into words, they become solidified as fact in your own mind.

Therefore, we should teach a no-knock policy to our children. Constant self-criticism can become a self-defeating habit.

STRATEGY NO. 3
Help your child compensate. Our task as parents is to serve as a confident ally, encouraging when children are distressed, intervening when threats are overwhelming, and giving them the tools to overcome the obstacles. One of those tools is compensation.

An individual counterbalances weaknesses by capitalizing on his strengths. It is our job to help our children find those strengths. Perhaps a child can establish his niche in music. Maybe he can build model airplanes or raise rabbits or play basketball.

Nothing is more risky than sending a child into adolescence with no skills, no unique knowledge, no means of compensating. He must be able to say, “I may not be the most popular student in school, but I am the best trumpet player ion the band!” I recommend that parents assess a child’s strengths, then select a skill with the best chance for success.

See that he gets through the first stage. Reward, push, bribe if necessary, but make him learn it. If you find you have made a mistake, start over on something else. But do not let inertia keep you from teaching a skill to your offspring!

My own dad decided, when I was eight, to teach me tennis, though I would rather have ben with my friends. He would hit me a ball and I’d whack it over the net. I tried to act involved. “Think I’m getting it, Dad?” I would say, as another ball flew straight up. Then one day, a fellow asked me to play. I beat him--and I liked that! Through high school and college, tennis was my source of self confidence--thanks to my dad who helped me compensate.

STRATEGY NO. 4
Help your child compete. A parent who opposes the stress placed on beauty, brawn and brains knows his child is forced to compete in a world that worships those attributes. Should he encourage his “average” child to excel in school? I can give you only my opinion.

I am obligated to help my child compete in this world as best as he can. If his teeth are crooked, I will see that they are straightened. If he flounders academically I will seek tutorial assistance. We are allies in his fight for survival.

But while helping my child to compete, I also instruct him on the true value of life: love for mankind, integrity, truthfulness, and devotion to God.

STRATEGY NO. 5
Discipline with respect. Does punishment, and particularly spanking, break the spirit of a child? The answer depends on the manner and intent of the parents. A spanking, in response to willful defiance, is a worthwhile tool, but belief in corporal punishment is no excuse for taking our your frustrations on little Johnny; it offers no license to punish him in front of others or treat him with disrespect.

It is important to recognize, however, that one way to damage self-esteem is to avoid discipline altogether. Parents are the symbols of justice and order, and a child wonders why they would let him get away with doing harmful things if they really love him.

STRATEGY NO. 6
Keep an eye on the classroom. Make certain a child has learned to read by the end of his second year in school. Self-esteem has been assassinated more frequently over reading problems than over any other aspect of school life. Tutorial help can pull a child through a rough spot academically.

Sometimes a change of schools or change of teachers in a school can be in the child’s best interest. The slow learner is even more likely to have self-esteem problems. What can parents do?

De-emphasize academic achievement. Anything your child cannot accomplish, despite his best efforts, should be toned down in importance. You would not demand that a crippled child become a track star, yet too many parents want their “average” students to become scholars.

STRATEGY NO. 7
Avoid overprotection. Preparation for responsible adulthood is derived from training during childhood. A child should be encouraged to progress on an orderly timetable, at the level of responsibility appropriate for his age. Each year a child should make more of his own decisions.

A seven-year-old, for example, is usually capable of selecting his own clothing for the day. He should be keeping his room straightened and making his bed. An overly protective parent allows the child to fall behind his normal timetable. As a 10-year-old, he finds it hard to make decisions or exercise self-discipline. A few years later, he will steamroll into adolescence unprepared for the freedom and responsibility he will find there.

The importance of parental concern in a child’s development of self-esteem has been confirmed by numerous studies. One example is the work of Stanley Coopersmith, former associate professor of psychology at the University of California at David, who examined 1,748 middle-class children and their families.

He found three important characteristics which distinguish those with the highest self-esteem: (1) The children were more loved and appreciated at home. (2) They had parents who set firm guidelines. (3) Their homes were characterized by democracy and openness.

These are the ways to teach a child to appreciate his genuine significance, regardless of the shape of his nose or the size of his ears or the efficiency of his mind. Every child is entitled to hold up his head in confidence and security. It can be done!

Reprinted with permission by Survivors And Victims Empowered (SAVE), P O. Box 10756, Lancaster, PA 17605-0756 publishers of CHILD PROTECTION GUIDE in which this article appears. HIDE OR SEEK by Dr. James Dobson, copyright 1974 by Fleming H. Revell Company, is a Power Book published in paperback by Fleming H. Revell Company, Old Tappan, N.J. 07675. Additional material supplied by the author.

From:http://www.challenges.com/fv3.html

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